Butterball Hotline

Caller: ?Hello??119 Operator: ?Hello! Happy holidays and thank you for choosing Butterball Turkey! What?s your emergency??Caller: ?Why would you think there?s an emergency??Operator: ?It?s Christmas Eve, sir. Why else would you be calling a turkey company??Caller: ?Well, you?re so right, young lady! And I certainly hope you can help me?this is an absolute nightmare.?Operator: ?Oh no! What can I do for you sir??Caller: ?I have a group of twenty friends and relatives coming over for Christmas dinner tonight, and my wife just walked out the damn door with the children. She told me that I could just handle it all myself!?Operator: ?That doesn?t sound very nice, sir. Did you say something to provoke her??Caller: ?I guess I might have. I told her I had more important things to do than help her in the kitchen.?Operator: ?Oh?.I see. What sort of important things??Caller: ?I have to work on my computer?write notes to people and publish my stories; share pictures, give insight.?Operator: ?Well, that?s quite a lot on your plate, sir. You?re wife doesn?t understand the urgency of these matters??Caller: ?I guess not! And now I have to cook dinner by myself. I haven?t the slightest idea how to cook any of this crap! So I desperately need your help??Operator: ?You certainly do, sir. I?ll do my very best for you. And since we?ll be spending the better part of the day together in the kitchen, I wonder if you?d tell me your name??Caller: ?Me? I?m Sam? Dr. Sam Nash.?Operator: ?A doctor? My goodness. So, Dr. Nash??Caller: ?That?s Sam, please.?Operator: ?How sweet, Sam. Well my name is Kitten.?Caller: ?Kitten? Seriously? Are you some kind of part time porn star or pole dancer??Operator: ?I?m sorry????Caller: ?Scratch that?I apologize. I?m just extremely stressed right now, Kitten. Please forgive me. I hope you?ll understand, I haven?t the slightest idea how to cook a meal, and I?ve been left to prepare this massive Christmas feast all on my lonesome!?Operator: ?Sam, I want you to take a breath. Now tell me what you have there and how you want to prepare it?Caller: ?I?ve got this turkey?this ButterBall Turkey. I had to go buy it just before I called because my wife left me with a frozen bird in a block of ice that won?t thaw out till the apocalypse.?Operator: ?I see?and the grocer, he gave you a fresh one from the back did he??Caller: ?Yes. How did you know that??Operator: ?Well, I mean, I just assumed??Caller: ?Never kaçak iddaa mind. Say, what are these lips beside the emergency hotline number here on the package??Operator: ?I?m sorry??Caller: ?Lips! A picture of lips. What are lips doing on my turkey package??Operator: ?Oh?those just mean it?s our freshest of the fresh, Sam. You know, it?s been plucked, prodded, and plopped straight in the bag?.right out of the barn?or the nest?or wherever those things come from.?Caller: ?And that has what to do with lips??Operator: ?Ermmmm?.the kiss of freshness?? (Extended Silence) Caller: ?Uh-huh??.Well, let?s move along. What do I do with this thing??Operator: ?You have to pull it out of the wrapping, Sam. Take it out of the bag, maybe in the sink where you don?t make a mess.?Caller: ?Good idea. Should I preheat the oven??Operator: ?Wow. I thought you said you?ve never cooked before. That?s very good, Sam.?Caller: ?Thank you. You sound very sweet. Maybe about twelve or so??Operator: ?Oh, I?m older than twelve. We have to be at least eighteen to dance around the pole, remember??Caller: ?I?m only joking with you, Kitten?trying to loosen you up a little. By the sound of your voice, I?d very much like to watch you dance around a pole.? (more silence) Operator: ?Okay?.Sam, I thought you were stressed out??Caller: ?Well, maybe your voice has calmed my nerves.?Operator: ?I?m so glad to hear that. How?s your turkey coming??Caller: ?I?ve got him out of the bag, and I?m washing him off in the sink.?Operator: ?Very good, Sam. Now there are some things you need to pull out of your turkey, and some things you need to stuff into your turkey?all this before you put it in the oven.?Caller: ?Pull out? Stuff in??Operator: ?That?s right, Sam. You?re getting the hang of it.?Caller: ?I think I?m going to like this more than expected. Can you give me those instructions again??Operator: ?You mean Pull Out and Stuff In??Caller: ?Uh-huh?.I like the way you say that.?Operator: ?You do? Okay, Sam. At the top of the bird, where you see the wings; that?s where the head used to be. There?s an opening up there. I need you to reach in there and ?pull out? what you find.?Caller: ?Alright?.I?m pulling?I?m pulling it out, Kitten. I feel as though I should stuff something in first ? I mean, before I pull it out??Operator: ?I?m sorry??Caller: ?Oh my Lord!?Operator: ?What? What is it, Sam??Caller: ?I had no idea these turkeys were so well endowed!?Operator: kaçak bahis ?Huh??Caller: ?Look at the size of this cock! But this is the wrong end?some stud of a turkey must have stuffed its ?thing? down my turkey?s throat! This must be a girl Turkey. Operator: ?Sam? Sam! That?s NOT a penis, Sam. That?s a turkey neck. They put it in there for the gravy.?Caller: ?The gravy? What does this penis neck have to do with gravy??Operator: ?Are you drinking something, Sam? Are you on medication??Caller: ?No!?Operator: ?Maybe you should pour yourself something. Let?s get out a nice bottle of white wine, pour a glass for yourself, and then put a little in a pot to simmer with that turkey neck.? (Pots rattling?the refrigerator door opens and closes?there?s a loud pop?a soft pour) Operator: ?Sam, are you still there??Caller: (Gulp) ?MMMMM?that?s better. I wish you were here to drink some with me, Kitten. But Kittens don?t drink wine, do they? They drink milk.?Operator: (coughing) ?Yes, Sam. That?s what we like.?Caller: ?Warm milk??Operator: ?Sam, do I hear your wine boiling? You need to turn that down.?Caller: ?Oh. Got it. So I?m simmering this turkey neck in wine. What now??Operator: ?You need to put a couple cups of warm water in there as well, and we will season with some salt, pepper, garlic?.and sprinkle some of that on your turkey too. Do you have a thermometer??Caller: ?A thermometer? Yea, we have one in the medicine cabinet. What do you want with that??Operator: ?No, not that kind of thermometer. We need a cooking thermometer.?Caller: ?What?s that??Operator: ?It?s this big long thing that looks like you should shove it in a piece of meat.?Caller: ?Oh, I DEFINITELY have one of those. Let me get that out for you, Kitten.? (There?s a snap and zipping noise) Operator: ?Sam? Did you find it??Caller: ?Got it right here.?Operator: ?Great! Let?s just lay that on the counter for now and we can get back to it.?Caller: ?Okay, but don?t wait too long, Kitten. It?s ready to go. Would you like to see it??Operator: ?Oh, that?s not necessary, Sam. I believe you have what I need.?Caller: ?I certainly agree.?Operator: ?Do you have any apples??Caller: ?I think so. Why do we need apples??Operator: ?I like to cut them up and put them in the turkey cavity as stuffing. It gives a nice flavor and keeps your bird moist.?Caller: ?You are just amazing! I thought we put bread stuffing up there.?Operator: ?No, illegal bahis we will make that separately. But first, you need to reach up the bottom hole and pull out what you find.?Caller: ?Whose bottom hole??Operator: ?The turkey?s ? you silly doctor!?Caller: ?There?s something else stuffed in this turkey from the bottom end??Operator: ?Yes, Sam. You should find a bag up there. Just reach in there with your hand and pull it out.?Caller: ?Okay. I?m reaching up there. I?ve found the bag. I?m pulling it out?I?m pulling?I?m pulling. Oh shit!?Operator: ?What is it, Sam??Caller: ?I?m stuck! My hand is stuck. Crap! This is a fine mess.?Operator: ?How did you do that? Are you sure it?s stuck??Caller: ?Oh definitely! You don?t think I?d know if I?m stuck in a hole or not??Operator: ?Well alright, Sam. Just try to remain calm. Maybe you can lean up against the counter and gain some leverage?pull a little harder??Caller: ?I?m pulling as hard as I can, Kitten. I?m pulling as hard?.Ahhhhhh!? (There?s a loud crash. A wine glass shatters.) Operator: ?Sam! Sam! Are you okay, Sam? Say something!?Caller: ?Oh Nooooooo!?Operator: ?What? What is it, Sam??Caller: ?I got my hand out.?Operator: ?Well, that?s great. What a relief! Is everything else okay??Caller: ?No it isn?t!?Operator: ?What happened??Caller: ?Now I?ve got my thermometer stuck up this turkey?s ass!?Operator: ?What? Your thermometer is stuck? How could you?.wait a minute. Sam, is this thermometer attached to you in some way??Caller: ?Of course it?s attached to me! And NOW I?ve got this turkey attached to me as well! This is just a disaster, Kitten! An absolute nightmare!?Operator: ?Surely you can jerk that off, Sam.?Caller: ?No, I most certainly cannot jerk ?that? off! And my thermometer is throbbing!?Operator: ?OMG, Sam?I?ve never had a call like this! Just how big exactly is your thermometer??Caller: ?I can?t measure it this second! I think it?s bigger than it?s ever been! I?m gonna die right here in the kitchen!?Operator: ?No you?re not, Sam! You?re going to hang on! I?ll call an ambulance for you straight away!?Caller: ?An ambulance? Are you crazy? You would have an army of paramedics come crashing into my house to see this turkey dangling on my thermometer? No thank you! That?s NOT happening!?Operator: ?Okay, bad idea. What do you need me to do, Sam? Can you make it to the hospital? I can call ahead?have someone meet you.?Caller: ?Have someone meet me? Where??Operator: ?At the emergency room. I?ll call someone there. They can try to slip you in unnoticed?.be discreet.?Caller: ?Be discreet? In a hospital? You must be joking.?